Spiritual Journey

Last year, I felt irresistibly drawn into an online relationship. In six months, there was just one brief actual meeting. But for most of those six months there was a powerful intensity that occasionally felt overwhelming. A most strange relationship.

This is not about the man in question though it may seem to be. It is about what I accepted and must take responsibility for, spiritually and emotionally. In order to do that, then as much as possible (without identifying him) of what passed between us must be shared as it reflects on my thoughts and actions as well.

This is also a post on trust- of others and of self – and how it can lead to strange behaviour and strange relationships. (And because I really would like to properly date again. I really would love to be made love to and enjoy the full benefits of being with a wonderful man. But that is in the lap of the gods, as they say.)

I feel things profoundly, always have, which is why it has been easier avoiding relationships that are basically just sex and nothing else. The connection with this man, or so I thought, was equally as profound and he had been in intelligence, or so he said, with an interest in spiritual things, or so he said, thus I would be able to talk intelligently with him to try to understand them (for my words and images). And no, none of that happened. “You can teach me.” Wrong answer.

Strange relationships that generate profound feelings on either or both sides, usually hide lessons to be learned, and therefore merit a blog post. And this is it.

Online Personas And Social Media Etiquette

Twitter for me is for thinking aloud. Facebook for me is for socialising.

This man entered my consciousness at the tail end of July when I noticed him liking a great number of my posts. This, I understand, is called ‘orbiting’. When they cease to do it, it is called ‘ghosting’.

Till the ‘likes’, I had been completely unaware of him even though we were following each other. There again, I seem to be following a vast amount I have zero recollection of actively following – a Twitter anomaly.

He then sent a polite DM about sharing political views and that he enjoyed reading my tweets. Which is odd, as he stopped reading them from almost that moment as confirmed via our emails. He couldn’t easily find the page, he said.

When he DM’d that he found me attractive and wanted to get to know me better, I replied politely that I only socialise on Facebook as it’s easier to get the measure of someone from the people they regularly communicate with.

And this is the moment when, in mystical terms, the connection was switched on.

He had not wanted to join Facebook but did, for me. I was flattered and interested.

On Facebook, people generally use their real names, they have friends they know in real life, photos and so on. He had none. Not even family. A couple of his Twitter females. Not a good sign.

But there was no doubt a connection for me at this point. I presume it was somewhat earlier for him, with that wave of ‘likes’ to get my attention.

I’d like to say it was wariness, but it was a meaningful connection. A kind of soul connection. I could sense when he was thinking of me – though he would regularly say that was ‘too often’.

But with Facebook, came confirmation of our physical differences. I am a fit and slim 5’5, UK size 8/10. He was short and overweight. Pleasing enough face in the photos provided though with very puffy eyes.

And then no sooner had he joined Facebook, but he left.

Did that twice without so much as a goodbye or warning – and we had by now shared email addresses and phone numbers. Not to forget a naked photo of himself.

That arrived in Messenger with a speed that quite shook me. He gets upset if I think it is a ‘dick pic’ (I don’t) but it still was a most unusual image to send. A bit porky, but not in itself unattractive. Difficult to assess height but I felt his words were sincere “the vessel which carries my soul and my spirit through this journey in life”.

Like I said, a very strange man. But then maybe all men are like that and it’s something I have to accept as ‘normal’. Well apart from Mr Right, if such a man exists for me.

I confess my subsequent emails and messages were on the curt side as I was trying hard not to tease or entice. And yet in the same reply I wrote “it felt like every connector was about to explode… Like I’ve often said, it’s the mystical element that I find fascinating. Even an old woman like me can get sex easily and for free. So it intrigues when there is a metaphysical aspect”

As, by then, I knew he had left his job and was searching, I felt it would be horrid to not be that friend I had offered and still the intense vibrations, mostly sexual, continued. For a brief moment, even love and my heart hurt.

Perhaps a more sensible woman would have just let it go, but I did feel compassion. Still do. And a strong connection (no longer). But he still left Facebook, stayed on his beloved (though to me an annoying necessity) Twitter and we both WhatsApped.

Twitter, he said, was just banter. There are many things I like about Twitter but it is a seething hotbed of barely repressed emotions for many. He objected to me saying it was like Tinder. But his banter was often very flirtatious so heavens knows what his DMs were like. I never asked.

“When I told you I think of you often day and night I mean only you Euphrosene, when I tell you how you make me feel, it is only you. I do have friends on Twitter that I have engaged with for a few years now, but you are the only one with my email address and phone number. You are the only woman to have seen a photo of me naked, albeit briefly. You are the only woman who arouses me. You are quite unique in many ways xxxxx”

Odd then that his focus was so often on these Twitter women, promoting their profiles, their books, their art, their posts. liking endless oddly immature tweets of theirs. Never once any of my art or books.

In fact, he wanted to know what I did – despite my bio and website which someone who had apparently worked in ‘intelligence’ should have been able to find easily. Just googling on ‘Euphrosene’ and nothing else comes up with endless stuff about me. But still he never RTd anything apart from the odd political tweet.

Actions speak louder than words and his constant actions were for these Other Women.

Even someone as relatively confident as I am would begin to feel irked at the regularity of it. That said, he didn’t feel the same way: “… I feel I’m being attacked for not having seen and liked all of your tweets, which is really unfair I spend more time thinking of you day and night than I do liking tweets or not . xxx”

Which may be true or not but means taking things on trust with only words to go on. Certainly, I will never do so again when engaging with another in any romantic, let alone erotic, sense.

Paradoxically, his last communication referred to a deleted tweet of mine querying the trawling habits of some on Twitter. He assumed (probably correctly) it referred to him. He missed the very many tweets on romance, Christmas Wisdom and love which did result from his behaviour. I called this period the Great Silence though I did keep picking up very intense feelings from time to time.

Even more unhappily for me, I could back then still read his, and was appalled that he spent almost his entire Christmas Day promoting someone else’s profile. I found it creepy and stalkerish and come New Year’s Day unfollowed him when it was more of the same unpalatable behaviour – the persona he said was not him, very clearly was.

New Year, new start – though metaphysically my New Year actually starts on my birthday – February 2nd.

So it begs the question why I should WhatsApp him with one word – ‘Blocked?’ – three weeks later?

Again, it makes me question ME. Why did I allow such crass behaviour into my life and for so long?

Spiritual And Earthly Values

Almost from the beginning, despite the obvious ‘connection’, I felt he and I would not be compatible and tried gently to let him down – telling him about my physical type (he described himself as a shade over 5’7 and ‘sturdy’), financially (no home of his own). Even star signs. His just so happened to be the same as the last three relationships – all of whom were disastrous, emotionally draining and left me seriously out of pocket.

He quite rightly asked me not to compare, that he did not want anything from me apart from to have a relationship without thinking of how that relationship might evolve.

As for me, I was curious why I was so drawn to such a strange man who offered nothing at all bar that he thought of me a lot – and of course those intense sexual vibrations. Didn’t even bother sending a card for Christmas let alone flowers.

The suggested dinner dates invariably would have meant me driving to his rented flat three counties to the East for something he cooked himself and a walk on the beach. To him, romantic days away, flowers and nice dinners were things that came after we had been physically engaged or would be ‘blackmail’ beforehand.

He’d talk of wanting to ‘devour my body and mind’ but got shirty when I jokily suggested he buy one of my books to get inside my mind. Why should he have to buy something to get to know me, he said. He might just as well go to bed with one of my books, he said.

So, again I ask myself why? Why didn’t I just allow the connection to drop?

I knew from picking up his vibes that he was truthful when he said he couldn’t get me out of his head ‘squatting in my mind’. This was probably not helped by me pondering far too often why as well. But why him?

Thankfully, with me trying to offer daily positivity and motivation, he got a better job and we agreed to meet for that promised drink.

I can still feel the serious shock when he got out of his car as I was reversing in to my space.

Admittedly I was wearing 2 or 3 inches heels but I was both horrified and, honestly, repulsed at the very short, very fat man with a kind of toad-ish face. Nothing at all like his photos. I was convinced I had been set up but as it was a crowded pub felt safe enough to go in and have the promised drink.

It didn’t go well at all as I mentioned his bad neck could be due to weight and it never picked up thereafter.

How To Totally Misread Someone

In fact, it was far worse than just being seriously overweight.

If he ever reads this, which I doubt, he would also be utterly horrified to know that after our one and only drink together,  I felt he came across as slightly gay, the way he talked, sat and slightly minced. Nothing like his naked photos or those rather wonderful sexual energies.

Erections figured heavily and a lot in our correspondence, “You are the only woman I get erections thinking about… it is only your body I want to feel next to mine . Your lips to kiss and your voice I long to hear in the night….You have captivated me in that respect and the thought of you thinking of me when you feel randy is such a turn on for me”.

And for me too – but not this person.

Not the Twitter persona whom I wanted to filter out of my mind in order to savour the sexual vibes for a while longer. (Mea culpa!)

A couple of times, he said his Twitter women trusted him and thought of him as a pal. Now that I am finally logging my thoughts without the intensity of sexual desire pervading my mind, I can see that they probably think of him as a dear old gay friend – despite him telling them he had been married twice.

God alone knows how I managed to charm his genitals with my usually political or spiritual or mundane tweets.

Come to think of it there were other clues (not shared here!) which whooshed straight over my head as well, so what does that say about me?

I, it seems, had this magic capability to make him have endless erections and he wanted those in real life – not the friendship I was offering (with some virtual sex thrown in!).

He would regularly flounce off sometimes in silent huffs or with some dramatic email about needing his Twitter ‘friends’ or a proper sexual relationship – meaning all or nothing.

Aliveness Via Virtual Love Connections

Having endured his crass behaviour at Christmas and over the New Year – which he blamed on me  – that he thought I had backed off – despite professing many times to thinking about me ‘all the time’ yet not enough to wish me well though having the time and inclination to spend on endless greetings to his Twitter females – why did I try to reconnect?

It was as if there was some invisible pull.

I must admit, if I had bothered to write these thoughts down after that one and only meeting, there would have been nothing further from me.

Yet he often sent rather lovely words like these, “It is very unusual as I can honestly say I have never felt the same degree of desire as I have with you. It can come over me at anytime of the day when I suddenly find myself thinking of you.”

And, for whatever as yet unknown reason, I too felt that sexual and soul pull. Begs the question, why he never followed through and regularly had these waspish flounces.

Second Best

I will never be treated as second best by anyone. My mother once responded in jest ‘second best’ when I said I was born 2 weeks’ late at 2am on the 2^nd day of the 2^nd month 1952. In fact, I still have a sense of humour failure about it despite her regretting her words.

Why then did I allow myself for even a month, let alone six months, to come second best to some Twitter females? Indeed, Twitter formed part of his final ‘goodbye. (We’ve had several of those over the months but blocking to me is the end.)

Shared Intimacies

I have kept all the various photos he sent including the naked ones. I was very strongly drawn to him for a reasonable period, even if it was a imagined person on to whom I projected qualities that did not exist – for me. (They may well do for others, male or female.)

But I too shared intimate photos as requested. There is one I’d rather did not see the light of day mostly since it makes me look fat. They are almost all ‘headless’ but none with no clothes on. There is even one with no makeup showing my melasma and thinning eyebrows! See composite below.

Blocking Is The Kiss Of Death

I never block anyone, ever. I might mute temporarily or unfollow. Sometimes unfriend serial spammers. But never block. It is the kiss of death as far as I am concerned.

He had threatened to block me to avoid me reading those tweets he termed ‘banter’ – mostly because I said it killed off the image I had of him when he was in tune with me: someone classier, more intelligent, even intellectual, unlike the Twitter persona who so repulsed me. The persona he said often was not the real him.

To emphasise how strongly I felt about blocking, I said I would never ever contact him again if he did. It effectively states to the Universe that this person is dead to you in all ways.

Sadly for us both, although it took till now to happen, the person who has died is the very sexy handsome ex-military man who I so enjoyed sexually teasing me. Despite still having the photos, he no longer exists. Now all I sense is the short, fat, slightly mincing guy with heavy puffed eyes.

He will be pleased though that the new Wise El character is to be called Twyford.

 

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