Drawing Walls

Effects Of Protesting

I doubt my small contribution to the Silent Protest was much noticed, even by fellow supporters, but it felt the right thing to do. And, of course, it was not violent. Yet I do fear for our Jewish friends, as things are just ramping up. Demographic change, ably assisted by a so-called Conservative Govt is just speeding things along. Worrying times.

Drawing Walls

Went to sleep easily and quickly… then awoke four hours later feeling those intense vibes again. So much so, I wondered if I had been sent a message – an actual one, not an esoteric one!

No, nothing.

Yet it wasn’t the pervert, who I have met, or the creep – and clearly is now not who I thought it might be.

Had to wall myself, metaphysically, to get back to sleep again but as of now (09:30 – been up 2 hours), I am still drained and exhausted.

Am currently drawing cartoon walls – Wise El building a wall around herself. Will post anon but for now camera being kind to a wretched night’s lack of sleep. Look closer and you’ll spot the patches on the age growths on my neck!

Summery But Lack Of Sleep

Virgo Midheaven

 Emotional Self-Awareness

As per the snip on my ‘DoD?’ page, just a(nother) reminder of what this e-diary is about.

Having a particularly strong personality, I have long known I am an acquired taste. Sure, I am feminine and even sexy when inclined, but the overall view is of someone who a fiancé of mine (Gemini) once described as ‘can be overpowering’. Charming, eh?

Curiously, that has been said of me even when I sit still and say or do nothing at all.

Being kind to myself, I would say that is my inner presence making itself felt. However, I can understand why men, in general, might find that uncomfortable. One FBF in particular springs to mind. A handsome guy but a bit of a cad according to a mutual and not someone I would leap into bed with. Just as well as I am not remotely his type – too ethnic and too old!

I do not appeal to men who are on the vain side with a desire to be centre stage either. Odd, as I genuinely do not like being centre stage. A schoolmate has often told me that I am bad at accepting compliments. Probably true, although I do like them as most normal people would. Just that I am also hyper-critical of myself and tend to see through the prism of those who do not like my looks or personality.

Beats getting hurt, I guess.

Aquarius With Virgo Midheaven

For those who, like me, find esoterica like astrology and numerology useful learning tools, I am Aquarius with Scorpio Rising, Moon in Taurus – and Virgo in my midheaven.

My interest in astrology waned some many years ago, but a preponderance of Virgo males in or around the outer perimeter of my life since 1988, has forced me to ask why. Even more so since that ‘Strange Relationship’ with someone who turned out to be a pervert.

That ‘past tense’ connection has long been disconnected, but someone new seems to have connected. Someone who may also be Virgo and who I have barely communicated with on social media, yet whose intense vibes I have now picked up a good few times. Nice, but I am still wary, even though he comes across as friendly and normal. And, more to the point, is probably not that interested in me apart from being polite.

Definitely not a pervert like T (and more fool me for being so aloof in general that I never bothered checking first with that one).

Lessons To Learn

So, those intense (mostly sexual) vibes must be coming on strong for a reason.

I recognise the vices and virtues within me as well as those attributed to Virgo – so it’s not as if they are balancing me in that respect. Apart from ‘perfectionism’. Being a perfectionist is something, like minimalism, that has its merits but would not suit my imperfect self or busy house and working life.

Having “an eye for detail, and a gift for analysis and criticism” – I have those. Just used in less detailed ways.

(Aside, I can think of three possibly four past Virgos who most certainly did *not* have those gifts. Good in bed, but otherwise missing a few intellectual brain cells. So again, why?)

Groundhog Spiritual Learning

My current mystical view is that life keeps repeating itself.

As in Groundhog Day, I do think – for me at any rate – that there is an element of Groundhog to learning spiritual lessons. And, since S in 1988, Virgos have played a significant part in that learning process.  

Incidentally, S was also a pervert. While T was short and fat and toad featured, S was tall, slim and handsome. But still a pervert. He told me he enjoyed deflowering virgins. Clearly not me in that respect! However, he said he had made a conscious decision to ‘target’ me since I had barely noticed him, was top salesperson, and he saw me as a challenge so wanted to dominate and control me. Almost succeeded too.

There is a mystical reason why I fell in with him (not going to go into all that again but misinterpreting three prophetic dreams for a start). But still not entirely sure what all that says about me – hence the inevitable soul-searching.

Mystical Connections

A mystical connection is like the ‘phone ringing and, instead of it going unanswered or to voicemail, you pick it up.

Since 1988 – and S – the only male vibes I have picked up have been almost exclusively Virgo. Plus a Gemini and an Aquarian. And by vibes I mean extremely strong connections as opposed to the ‘oh so-and-so is thinking about you’ type of EMFs.

It’s quite possible that I never realised what those energies were until S.

Those who knew us both thought we were chalk and cheese. True. But the massive pain inside me had to be explained and so I spent years on huge amounts of research and study, to try to understand.

Mark you, since all the other Virgos also followed the same pattern, I clearly haven’t learned anything!

Despite his pervy nature, as well as him being a physical turn-off IRL (I met him just the once), I would have been friends with T – and the others too. Being friendly with and to all sorts is important to me.

However, they (apart from Ian), wanted to completely cut me from their lives and minds.

They took pride in their ability to focus, and once I was no longer interested in being who they wanted me to be, that focus was on erasing all vibes. Which suited and still suits me, to be honest. My ego is not that pronounced!

Groundhog Spiritual Syndrome

Giving my God the benefit of the doubt, and with Groundhog Syndrome chucked in for good measure, I assume that the sexual vibes were there for the magnetic naughty thrill, but that inevitably mind and head would take over. Meaning the lessons still needed to be taken on board but that it would get progressively less painful.

Or something.

All would have to be soulmates of some kind, I presume. for that level of connection.

Certainly with S, while we were both standing in a car park outside Guildford, he told me he loved me. First time, though not the only time, and I had a distinct out of body experience.

There is a good description of something similar in Bridge Across Forever – which I discovered during my lengthy research and study period. Their love never stood the test of time (either) despite the nirvanic experience. 25 years, I believe, before they parted ways.

If I were to guess, maybe my spiritual Groundhog wants me to relive that love but with the right man and in the right circumstances and make it last. After all, in mystical terms, this is my last life cycle – though of course these cycles can start again – but at the bottom (something I do not want).

Also, for NDE enthusiasts, this life cycle of mine is for the karma of others, not me. The drawback is that one can create ‘instant karma’ – which has happened to me often. The only good thing is it passes without attachment. (Okay that was probably more heavy-duty esoterica than I intended to include!!!)

So Why Learn Via Virgo?

My midheaven?

Minds on similar wavelengths? God, I hope not re the pervy S and T!

Perhaps if even one of them had been generous and kind (which I am) ….?

Generosity and kindness can overcome a lot but, even now, I feel irked at how greedy two of them were. No-one wants to be taken advantage of – least of all from someone you have chosen to spend time with.

Me, being the homeowner in three of those instances, brought out that greed. It was as if they were only interested in owning half of it. In fact, S said as much (long story – maybe another time).

Talking of home, I’d love mine to be less cluttered and tidier but working from here makes that nigh on impossible along with the thousands of books I own. Meaning it’s not spotlessly clean.

I, on the other hand, am. Baths every night. T had a bath once a week apparently ? So much for clean Virgos!

I do believe there is a special someone who may even be Virgo but that past including recent experiences have made me erect walls again. They have to be able to offer something so that it’s not just me doing all the giving. Sex is not an adequate quid pro quo, though for some women it might be. And I am categorically not there to ‘teach them’.

Teaching through my words and images may be part of my spiritual purpose but is an absolute no-no for any romantic relationship. (Yes, you guessed. T said I could teach him.)

Next Steps?

Haven’t a clue.

 

Vibes & Other Dimensional Messages

 

April2016Vibes

Thomas Szasz once wrote “If you talk to God, you are praying; If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. If the dead talk to you, you are a spiritualist; If you talk to the dead, you are a schizophrenic.” Wonder what he’d have said about empaths and vibes?

I find picking up vibes from others fascinating on the one hand and horribly intrusive on the other. Especially the sexual kind.

For rather more than a few days, it felt like every part of me was on fire. And no, I am not going to go into detail! This is a metaphysical blog not a porn one though the image is kind of related. And edited!

To be honest, I can only guess as to the originating source as the guy has not been in touch for weeks, and anyway, absolutely nothing happened – well apart from him appearing to have the hots when we met. (Most odd since I really did not give off any signals to say I was open for business, so to speak, and the few messages exchanged were devoid of any hanky-panky. On my part at least.)

It’s just that because God is so difficult to ‘hear’, I tend to mark every out-of-the-ordinary’ remark or incident as the divine trying to get in touch in some way.

If so, the only message I can get decipher is that I shouldn’t be ignoring my long dormant sexual needs. Hah! Like I want to indulge with passing strangers! Anyway, sex, however pleasing, never assuages soul loneliness which is why I have stayed clear of meaningless romantic entanglements these many long years. They always drain me of both emotional and spiritual energy.

But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t flattered. Getting older means you tend to accept that opportunities lessen (though I haven’t felt that as yet). And the day we met, was yet another bad hair and allergies day. Enjoyable, yes, but not necessarily the reason or source of the vibes. So all very puzzling – though thankfully now gone. Like I said, they really are intrusive and make getting anything done impossible.

And to end on a more higher spiritual note, I have noticed that being in tune with the Divine tends to increase one’s sexual potency. However, the general view cf Napoleon Hill & Yogananda is that one is supposed to transmute it.

Perhaps that was the message?