Last Memory of Ma

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From Facebook Memories, something I haven’t read in years. The cartoon is a gift I gave her, with some of the words from her own diaries. (You may recall she had an alternative reality on life. Well, I guess that’s one way of putting it!) The other image is called Kamala Resurrection.

Anyway, here is the blog post from 2010:

The last two weeks of Ma’s life were a total roller coaster of emotions: being with her when she was taken into Worthing Hospital and really thinking she would pass on that night. Yet, a few hours later, she was beaming widely, kissing the hands of the nurses who looked after her.

From my 2009 journals: “Sat 21: Not sure who will die first – me or Ma. Got call at around 4 this morning. Was at the nursing home by 05:15hrs and twenty minutes or so later following the ambulance to the hospital.

X-Rays, ECGs and more and all the while she was looking comatose, unblinking. The nearest she got to movement was being gently prodded in the bowel area. Faecal blockage in elderly can apparently cause similar sensory impasse.

Several hours later, I was still concerned enough to ask for a priest to administer the Last Rites. Then, hallelujah, she tried to talk (she had an oxygen mask on) and her eyes were bright again. She held my hand and tried to kiss it saying ‘thank you’.”

I had been with her earlier the day she died – 5th March – and her legs were like tree trunks. Our tiny Ma.

Also from my 2009 journals: “Wed 4: Risked visiting out of hours to help Ma eat but today she was not allowed food prior to an ultrasound later in the afternoon. She still can only manage one word at a time and flags almost immediately, but is still mentally quite sharp.

She was trying to signal me to look under her blanket and I was utterly horrified by how massive her legs were. Luckily a doctor was doing his rounds and said it was something to do with albumen(?) and that when she starts moving around again, they would go down. Not sure when that is going to happen as they had to use the hoist to get her back into bed yesterday apparently because she could not move and neither could they help her without it.

My emotions are bit fraught as one moment she has one foot on the other side and the next she is beaming broadly and kissing my hand (and those of anyone else who helps her). But it made me weep today, seeing her in evident pain, coughing and struggling to breathe and swallow.”

Times passes and memories fade. Words help to relive the moment though, so I am glad of these.

In 1989, I had a Near Death Experience

In 1989, I had a Near Death Experience (NDE). It was a proper ‘mystical experience’. No hearing NDEvoices or seeing any dead relatives or Jesus and Mary. No whooshing down a tunnel of light and landing joyfully bemused in the Garden of Eden – though up where I found myself was so beautiful, so loving and joyous, so perfect, that I wanted to stay there.

Clearly, these many years later, my recall is hazy at best. Forcing the memory into my current consciousness at will is simply not possible and somewhat spiritually irresponsible, and so I am reliant on quick notes, made at the time – which I included in Profit From Unlimited Thinking .

Over the years there have been a few faint flickers of mystical greeting – pleasing, surprising and ultra-fleeting – as if to prove that communion with the divine is not always a deluded one-way street. How did I know? Difficult to explain if you, the reader, have never experienced anything similar. Like a gut hug of incredible love. Impossible to hang on to – but then I never seem to want to either. That brief hint of the divine seems to be enough.

Slightly Edited Excerpt from Profit From Unlimited Thinking

Many years ago, I had an unusual near-death experience. I was not hospitalised, nor was I ill. In fact, I was working on some notes of a home-study course, and felt a little tired. As soon as I lay down, I was asleep. It was about three o’clock in the afternoon. It felt like hours, yet the whole incident took barely twenty minutes.

In the NDE, I was immediately in the presence of what felt like three beings, although it looked like a very bright single mass of light. An enormous loving warmth and wisdom seemed to emanate from these three beings in one luminous form.

Much later, I started to call them lumiels (lum from the Latin lumen, meaning light, and el, meaning of God) – and that has now stuck.

They moved aside to reveal a massive, awe-inspiring darkness. In those seconds, I felt a wise fear, as if I was in the presence of an almighty power, that must be treated respectfully. Having said that, from this distance, I would now describe the fleeting scene in more science-fiction type terms: a huge, endless, pulsating, raw – yet intelligent – energy. But there was also this blessed feeling, this love and belonging that was so strong, I wanted to stay.

Resentfully, I awoke. Although I sensed that the lumiels had given me a choice, I felt mildly resentful in making it. It was a resentment borne of a complete confidence that I was totally loved, no matter what. They were completely unjudgmental. Make of that what you will. What is important is the relationship of light and darkness. Light comes from the omnipotent darkness – and that is this element of unlimited thinking.

Post-NDE Thoughts c November 2015

I well recall wondering back then whether the word ‘resentfully’ was the right one, but was in a hurry to log everything down, (and, in the spirit of honesty, I also kept it in Profit From Unlimited Thinking, which was written many years later).

It was, and is, meant to mean ‘without boundless enthusiasm’ for coming back to a distinctly challenging world, when the world or dimension I visited so briefly was altogether perfect for my soul in every way. Free from needs, wants and desires of any kind.

‘Unwillingly’ would have been a far better word but there was also an element of these beings expecting my better nature to take over, despite also knowing (both them and me) that life going forward was going to be very hard indeed. It was an ‘oh alright then, if I must’ kind of attitude.

And life sure was hellish for many years. So mild ‘resentment’ was being, from this distance, almost saintly in my book!!!

But why no Jesus?

The Spiritual Beings/Essences were certainly on a par with Jesus as I recall – and Jesus remains a part of my life since and still, though my understanding and acceptance is somewhat different from that taught as a young Catholic. Same yet different interpretation or perspective.

Why three in one – meaning I sensed three beings but actually saw one. I still do not have an answer for that. Time and God are beyond this human’s comprehension!

I most certainly felt in some kind of ‘heaven’, so no longer being a Catholic or following the Church’s teachings (or those of any religious leader for that matter) wasn’t a barrier. There again, I had been on a particularly intense spiritual journey, retaining love and compassion despite enormous challenges. Maybe the intense caritas and forgiveness were all that was needed to put me in a State of Grace?

That doesn’t mean I am anti-religion – and definitely not anti-Catholic. Indeed, if I had had children, I would have brought them up as Catholics – though I find the focus shifting from the mystical to the material deeply troubling still.

Why no relatives to greet me?

My parents were still alive but my brother had died in 1974, and we were very close. Indeed I had ‘seen’ him not long after he had died, when I lived in a bedsit in East Finchley. A year or so later, a cynical male friend took a ring of mine to a clairvoyant near his home. He had never been to my place but she described exactly where I had seen him and where his photo was.

Yet he was not there.

I do have my answers to that which are mentioned in Wise El’s Big Thoughts as well as Wise El on God (aside – these are really difficult to find on Amazon!) but they may not appeal to those who want to meet up with deceased loved ones when their time comes.

Shared Yet Different Experiences

There has been a lot written about near-death experiences – both pro and strongly against. Nearly dying is not the same thing at all, by the way. As I was not actually dying of anything, perhaps a mystical vision might be a better description. That said, there were many shared emotions and elements some of which are briefly covered.

·I did not feel light-headed. I felt a kind of lucidity and being awake to my ‘real self’. My life did not flash before me. Humans did not figure and my human reality was not at all important.

·They were definitely very loving beings, ones I seemed to know, but there were no names or angelic associations. They were simply not relevant.

·Some scientific journals mention NDEs in the same breath as mental illness – but then they say the same about creatives and mystics and people born in February (argh – that’s me, three!!!)

·Despite my darling Ma having schizophrenia, I only once felt I was losing my mind – when I fell passionately in love with a real dork – and a soulmate too – but a dork nonetheless. Soulmates come in all flavours, and this was both karmic (we had ‘spiritual history’ together) as well as a prod to change direction on my spiritual journey.

·I must admit, if I had known in advance the lengthy years of pain and hardship and poverty (yes, real actual poverty) I went through due to that soulmate, I’d have found some way to not get involved. Indeed I often feel the sting continues hence being alone for much of my life since; not quite trusting that the next soulmate love could actually be rewarding and a joy forever.

·Some months after the NDE, I met some Christian Scientists who told me mine was most unusual – something about being a higher spiritual evolution. Not sure I’d fit that great description much these days!

·The lumiels were not God, but of God, as indeed was I. The God I saw was not some Paternal Extra-terrestrial, but something far more awesome, and yes, terrifying in its vastness and power. So any ‘fear’ would have been very sensible, erring on caution and respect.

·Scientists would have a field day pulling apart my extremely shaky science. But then I have never said I was knowledgeable in scientific matters. My sphere of interest is in the spiritual unseen. Over the years, I noticed some correlations with science.

·Did I die? Clearly not as I am still here to tell the tale. In addition, I was not ill or suffering from any physical ailment. My niece asked me if I had died what would be the cause. I replied along the lines of heart giving out due to delayed emotional trauma (from the preceding months).

·Does it prove life after death? Probably not to non-believers – but I am a believer in the continuance of both soul and matter.

·Sam Parnia grouped NDE memories into seven categories: fear, seeing animals or plants, bright light, violence and persecution, deja-vu, seeing family, recalling events post-cardiac arrest

·Peaceful? Definitely – a warm huggy feeling like a comfort blanket

·So why is it called Near-Death? Probably because the human element – for me at any rate – ceased to matter. I could sense my human self and yet I was not a human body per se.

·Science is still open on where other dimensions exist. Mystics have always believed in different levels of reality. My contemporary art tries to express my ‘visions’.

·Have I had an OBE (out of body experience) – no. My physical body has never really been that important in my mystical quest so I guess flying up and seeing it would simply not be relevant.

·Oxygen deprivation? How, in my case?

·Being clinically dead? I was alone and studying. No way of telling at all. After the NDE, I simply went back to my studies.

And yes, the painting in the corner is the nearest I could get to capturing the essence of the NDE. Somehow, it would have been wrong to humanise it in any way.