Euphrosene Labon

Saturday 27: Traffic jams, tension aches and changed plans. Banged my manky (broken) little finger which then started bleeding. One missing Ma and a panicked nurse, but all is okay. She had not absconded!

Walked six miles to loosen up, which did the trick … till I got home. There is still a lot to do but all I feel like doing is slobbing in front of the idiot box.

Meanwhile: LinkedIn is good for faceless unknown contacts. Facebook though is for people to communicate with in a more friendly, relaxed way. I am happy to accept friend requests from people I do not know as long as they communicate from time to time. That does not mean sending endless rubbishy videos to all and sundry! It would be good to have the occasional personal `hello´.

Worse are those people I have actually met at some stage who ask to be friends and then never respond to messages or reply to any comments. So I had a small cull yesterday. Perhaps they think I am unimportant in both their world and the wider one. Probably right.

But I am important to me (well I have to be, don´t I!!!) so ultimately I have to make choices that make me feel good about myself. Being ignored is a very good signpost in making decisions.

Well done Matt Damon for speaking of his concerns about Sarah Palin. I should be more interested in American politics as they tend to ripple affect us all to a great degree, but ours are bad enough. That said, the cynicism of these political muppets is astounding.

Anti-ageism is A GOOD THING and John McCain has as much right, age-wise, as any other Yank to be POTUS. But his inability to see how his choices will affect the wider world is frightening. As is Palin´s overweening confidence in accepting the position. Does she really think she has the skills and experience to deal with big scale politics?

Tech Alert: Is the Service Pack 3 update safe to download for XP? The blogosphere and even a Microsoft TechNet site says `no´. Yet I am getting alerts to download it and I do not want a crashing laptop. What to do???

RIP Paul Newman. Someone who really seemed to add a lot to life in every way.

LinkedIn, Facebook, Matt Damon, Sarah Palin, John McCain, Service Pack 3

Tuesday 23: Confession time: I have mixed feelings about meditation. I am lucky in that I get results almost immediately, but any prolonged session usually finds me doing things that do not always make sense - like giving things away that I still use and/or enjoy. Or getting a real creative rush and working past 1am and then leaping out of bed at 6am with more ideas - like now.

Luckily for me, I don´t hear voices and even the spiritual beings of the NDE were more like amorphous essences, all blending together, yet somehow separate - and definitely with no names. That would have freaked me out. When I do these things, it feels like a part of me that is doing the directing - not some other-dimensionals or ascended masters.

When I write or paint the esoteric and spiritual stuff, once again it flows through me like part of me, yet a part that I can observe. So I have mixed views about the rafts of books with other-dimensional gurus - who have names at that. Perhaps it is a form of humility on their part. Who knows. Anyway, I remain deeply grateful for small mercies.

Four hours later: schizophrenia is such a selfish disease. Small wonder my shoulders have been tormented with pulsating aches. But every time I get to the point where compassion gives way to passing back the responsibility, the heart tugs yet again.

Between us, we have spent our lives fighting for her to have a reasonably good life but if we did not, do you really think the health agencies would bother? Add physical deterioration to mental health issues and it would be a one-way trip to the nearest nut house.

I do not believe the social worker has any idea how plausible schizophrenics can sound. (Cue the joke about the brick - `you won´t forget, will you?´) She seems so convinced that by October 1st she will be back at home, yet that was never on the cards as the other NandD doesn´t even return till then.

God alone knows what the Worthing nurse did during the assessment - probably not a lot if today´s telecon is anything to go on. And do they really think she will be any happier or healthier back there? As I told the social worker, when she used to ring in distress, as she has done, we were unable to do very much about it.

Research News: Some research I actually agree with from my own experiences - that female bosses are worse to work for than male ones. Are you reading this M? And J? And, while they are at it, what about female secretaries when you are the only other woman? Stand up K and P.

Honourable exception: Mary - a true star and hugely professional.

As far as they were concerned, I was another admin and not the top salesperson that I actually was and all my letters would get put to the bottom of the pile, even if I treated them to goodies. I was deeply thankful when we got PCs as I could then do my own letters without any further grief.

meditation, voices, ascended masters, schizophrenia, female bosses

Thursday 11: Having subjective realities deserves compassion even if understanding is thin on the ground - but schizophrenia is such a selfish illness. Like this journalist´s son, the schizophrenic complains of persecution or mistreatment. Also interesting is the wariness about electronic gadgetry. Familiar, all familiar - although, thankfully, Ma´s very deep faith in God has kept her intrinsic gentleness and good humour intact.

I know the NandDs have sometimes found it hard when I write about Ma´s schizophrenia. Certainly, when I was younger, I was terrified about people finding out: … `like mother, like daughter´. Yet thousands of people have schizophrenic relatives and/or friends. Most just keep quiet about it for fear of being tarred with the same brush.

Her mental illness probably played a major part in me remaining single. What if the wrong relationship tipped me over the edge? So when I wavered over the abyss around the time of the `soulmate´ crisis, I contacted an RAF psychiatrist friend of my father´s. He said the only thing wrong with me was emotional trauma and that it would soon pass. Which, diabolical though it was for me and those who loved me, indeed it did.

PS Talking of humour: Yesterday, I thought about mentioning circles as a theme in my art as a marketing keyword. Odd, really, as I do not paint or draw them and even the recent black holes have other elements, designed to show potentiality and the continuance of all life.

In that article, the schizophrenic son "picked up a book on Jackson Pollock. It said he was possessed by daemons and when an artist starts drawing circles it is the first sign of madness." (Keep quiet, you in the back!)

Oh and me going round in circles is how I feel with Ma. She may have a serious physical illness, but her mind remains one-track focused. Trouble is the various daemons stick to her wherever she is. At least we can easily and regularly keep an eye on her here. If only she would or could see that.

PPS Actually, if no-one ever read this blog, or occasionally emailed or posted, that bracketed comment would definitely put me in the deluded category. Indeed some flat-earth acquaintances think that my views are `insane´ and that I am mad. But that is my personal cross and I think I can carry it quite well.

PPPS Re Bahannas: on my particular spiritual journey, I read widely of many faiths and ideas. Some have a slot in the far recesses of my mind, like the Hopi. Details are vague. So technoshamen´s post yesterday prompted me to check out the reference.

To be perfectly honest, some of the material seems either confusing or contradictory, but it seems the Hopi Prophecy Rock relates to end times as well as being a guide to avoid complete destruction. Something about technology re-aligning with their hearts (spiritual selves?)

What intrigued me most is how they believe in other dimensions. One (of many) elements missed by online and offline writers re the Large Hadron Collider, is how scientists hope to find other dimensions after the particle collision tests. Maybe there is synchronicity at play after all.

subjective realities, schizophrenia, soulmate, circles, art, marketing keyword, potentiality, Bahannas, spiritual journey, Hopi, end times, other dimensions, particle collision