Tuesday 23: Confession time: I have mixed feelings about meditation. I am lucky in that I get results almost immediately, but any prolonged session usually finds me doing things that do not always make sense - like giving things away that I still use and/or enjoy. Or getting a real creative rush and working past 1am and then leaping out of bed at 6am with more ideas - like now.
Luckily for me, I don´t hear voices and even the spiritual beings of the NDE were more like amorphous essences, all blending together, yet somehow separate - and definitely with no names. That would have freaked me out. When I do these things, it feels like a part of me that is doing the directing - not some other-dimensionals or ascended masters.
When I write or paint the esoteric and spiritual stuff, once again it flows through me like part of me, yet a part that I can observe. So I have mixed views about the rafts of books with other-dimensional gurus - who have names at that. Perhaps it is a form of humility on their part. Who knows. Anyway, I remain deeply grateful for small mercies.
Four hours later: schizophrenia is such a selfish disease. Small wonder my shoulders have been tormented with pulsating aches. But every time I get to the point where compassion gives way to passing back the responsibility, the heart tugs yet again.
Between us, we have spent our lives fighting for her to have a reasonably good life but if we did not, do you really think the health agencies would bother? Add physical deterioration to mental health issues and it would be a one-way trip to the nearest nut house.
I do not believe the social worker has any idea how plausible schizophrenics can sound. (Cue the joke about the brick - `you won´t forget, will you?´) She seems so convinced that by October 1st she will be back at home, yet that was never on the cards as the other NandD doesn´t even return till then.
God alone knows what the Worthing nurse did during the assessment - probably not a lot if today´s telecon is anything to go on. And do they really think she will be any happier or healthier back there? As I told the social worker, when she used to ring in distress, as she has done, we were unable to do very much about it.
Research News: Some research I actually agree with from my own experiences - that female bosses are worse to work for than male ones. Are you reading this M? And J? And, while they are at it, what about female secretaries when you are the only other woman? Stand up K and P.
Honourable exception: Mary - a true star and hugely professional.
As far as they were concerned, I was another admin and not the top salesperson that I actually was and all my letters would get put to the bottom of the pile, even if I treated them to goodies. I was deeply thankful when we got PCs as I could then do my own letters without any further grief.
