Tuesday 19: As someone whose combative chip fires into life if I am taken for granted, I can definitely recognise the symptoms in others. Like someone close to home who takes it to a whole new level with stiletto sharp invective, or some in this close who seem to be perpetually at war on some front. Usually outside, with their voices carrying loud and clear.
The last time I checked, my own verbal stiletto was aimed at those who make a mint out of supplying us or those in power. Or those vying for yet more power while offering little in return, like Miliband. At least I am not the only person who is seriously concerned about his abilities and not so hidden agenda. A new poll shows he would definitely not save New Labour.
Re writing about family: as I am not quite a hermit, this spiritual journey involves other people, the most obvious being one´s nearests and dearests. With rare exceptions, I do not mention who they are, so I doubt if passing readers would be able to recognise them. If something has really upset me (and thus monopolises my thoughts) then I will sometimes be a bit more specific.
Yet I do hold back with the more sensitive, despite some deeply unpleasant emails received, quite apart from highly-subjective and selective memories. In fact, one email refers to something I am supposed to have said over thirty years ago.
Even if I could recall my exact words, IF I did say anything remotely like that, it would have been in response to some severe provocation. (NB That means I did not say it. It is and was totally out of character for me. However, I can understand imagined memories developing reality especially for someone who is incredibly sensitive.)
The ‘nastiest’ things I have ever written are in this blog and, as mentioned earlier, are usually aimed at people in positions of power.
Later: Just been reading through a particularly fraught time (in 2002) and still could not find anything mean about anyone. But, sainthood doesn´t beckon, because when someone stings me too much, I will eventually respond, even if it is in the privacy of my diaries.
Anyway, while looking through Feb 2003, I found something about a palmist I went to visit: “The palmist told me I had the teacher´s square plus healing capabilities and that is what I would be doing. She also told me about creative expressive abilities. So in theory all the things I want to do are in my spiritual make-up. … I obviously need to interact and communicate verbally and physically as well as through print and colour. Oh I forgot. The palmist said I would achieve recognition through art but in a light medium - meaning not acrylics - which is interesting as one day I do want to be a watercolourist/line and wash painter of metaphysical images. Have wanted to for sometime.”
I also remember other psychics telling me the same…
Okay, I have found the relevant pieces - and nope, nothing mean, despite major provocation. This is from August 2002: “20th August 11:03hrs - I´ll be leaving shortly to see M in hospital but am still reeling from xxx 2-page hate-filled email. Mark you what xxx thinks of me is mindblowing. All this stuff I´ve said and done - I´d hate me too if I was like that! I´m not sure how much one must carry on forgiving and still being around to take more shit. It´s easy to forgive when you never have to deal with someone ever again. You just laser them out of your mind and memory. But I cannot do that with … - even if xx thinks I´m less than dog turd. xxx has misread me so very many times. xxx even thinks I said xxx was responsible for M´s hernia - when what I WAS trying to say is that the hernia was M´s way of showing that xx bond with xxx was very powerful. As for the rest, I suppose I´ll have to put it down to grief and xxx but I hurt too."
This was a private diary, well before blog days, so, on second thoughts, I think I will apply for sainthood after all.
Later still: I expect we can all interpret things subjectively, but, for the record, the only thing I am `shocked´ at, are the terrible emails one of the NandDs keeps sending. On that basis alone, I am unlikely to believe their word for something I am supposed to have said years ago. Which, btw, is, and would have been, completely out of character for me.
So there will certainly be no apologies from me for some imagined slight. Right now, I have had a bellyful of bilious emails and the only apologies due are absolutely the other way around - and not just to me.
BTW, there is a very sad reason why I would never have said "Our family was happy before you were born´. It is because while I believe we all love each other, we have never been a `happy´ family. Memories of parental rows put paid to that (one time resulting in a cup gashing my face when I was 2-years old). If anything, I have always felt like an outsider. Still do.
