Virgo Midheaven

 Emotional Self-Awareness

As per the snip on my ‘DoD?’ page, just a(nother) reminder of what this e-diary is about.

Having a particularly strong personality, I have long known I am an acquired taste. Sure, I am feminine and even sexy when inclined, but the overall view is of someone who a fiancé of mine (Gemini) once described as ‘can be overpowering’. Charming, eh?

Curiously, that has been said of me even when I sit still and say or do nothing at all.

Being kind to myself, I would say that is my inner presence making itself felt. However, I can understand why men, in general, might find that uncomfortable. One FBF in particular springs to mind. A handsome guy but a bit of a cad according to a mutual and not someone I would leap into bed with. Just as well as I am not remotely his type – too ethnic and too old!

I do not appeal to men who are on the vain side with a desire to be centre stage either. Odd, as I genuinely do not like being centre stage. A schoolmate has often told me that I am bad at accepting compliments. Probably true, although I do like them as most normal people would. Just that I am also hyper-critical of myself and tend to see through the prism of those who do not like my looks or personality.

Beats getting hurt, I guess.

Aquarius With Virgo Midheaven

For those who, like me, find esoterica like astrology and numerology useful learning tools, I am Aquarius with Scorpio Rising, Moon in Taurus – and Virgo in my midheaven.

My interest in astrology waned some many years ago, but a preponderance of Virgo males in or around the outer perimeter of my life since 1988, has forced me to ask why. Even more so since that ‘Strange Relationship’ with someone who turned out to be a pervert.

That ‘past tense’ connection has long been disconnected, but someone new seems to have connected. Someone who may also be Virgo and who I have barely communicated with on social media, yet whose intense vibes I have now picked up a good few times. Nice, but I am still wary, even though he comes across as friendly and normal. And, more to the point, is probably not that interested in me apart from being polite.

Definitely not a pervert like T (and more fool me for being so aloof in general that I never bothered checking first with that one).

Lessons To Learn

So, those intense (mostly sexual) vibes must be coming on strong for a reason.

I recognise the vices and virtues within me as well as those attributed to Virgo – so it’s not as if they are balancing me in that respect. Apart from ‘perfectionism’. Being a perfectionist is something, like minimalism, that has its merits but would not suit my imperfect self or busy house and working life.

Having “an eye for detail, and a gift for analysis and criticism” – I have those. Just used in less detailed ways.

(Aside, I can think of three possibly four past Virgos who most certainly did *not* have those gifts. Good in bed, but otherwise missing a few intellectual brain cells. So again, why?)

Groundhog Spiritual Learning

My current mystical view is that life keeps repeating itself.

As in Groundhog Day, I do think – for me at any rate – that there is an element of Groundhog to learning spiritual lessons. And, since S in 1988, Virgos have played a significant part in that learning process.  

Incidentally, S was also a pervert. While T was short and fat and toad featured, S was tall, slim and handsome. But still a pervert. He told me he enjoyed deflowering virgins. Clearly not me in that respect! However, he said he had made a conscious decision to ‘target’ me since I had barely noticed him, was top salesperson, and he saw me as a challenge so wanted to dominate and control me. Almost succeeded too.

There is a mystical reason why I fell in with him (not going to go into all that again but misinterpreting three prophetic dreams for a start). But still not entirely sure what all that says about me – hence the inevitable soul-searching.

Mystical Connections

A mystical connection is like the ‘phone ringing and, instead of it going unanswered or to voicemail, you pick it up.

Since 1988 – and S – the only male vibes I have picked up have been almost exclusively Virgo. Plus a Gemini and an Aquarian. And by vibes I mean extremely strong connections as opposed to the ‘oh so-and-so is thinking about you’ type of EMFs.

It’s quite possible that I never realised what those energies were until S.

Those who knew us both thought we were chalk and cheese. True. But the massive pain inside me had to be explained and so I spent years on huge amounts of research and study, to try to understand.

Mark you, since all the other Virgos also followed the same pattern, I clearly haven’t learned anything!

Despite his pervy nature, as well as him being a physical turn-off IRL (I met him just the once), I would have been friends with T – and the others too. Being friendly with and to all sorts is important to me.

However, they (apart from Ian), wanted to completely cut me from their lives and minds.

They took pride in their ability to focus, and once I was no longer interested in being who they wanted me to be, that focus was on erasing all vibes. Which suited and still suits me, to be honest. My ego is not that pronounced!

Groundhog Spiritual Syndrome

Giving my God the benefit of the doubt, and with Groundhog Syndrome chucked in for good measure, I assume that the sexual vibes were there for the magnetic naughty thrill, but that inevitably mind and head would take over. Meaning the lessons still needed to be taken on board but that it would get progressively less painful.

Or something.

All would have to be soulmates of some kind, I presume. for that level of connection.

Certainly with S, while we were both standing in a car park outside Guildford, he told me he loved me. First time, though not the only time, and I had a distinct out of body experience.

There is a good description of something similar in Bridge Across Forever – which I discovered during my lengthy research and study period. Their love never stood the test of time (either) despite the nirvanic experience. 25 years, I believe, before they parted ways.

If I were to guess, maybe my spiritual Groundhog wants me to relive that love but with the right man and in the right circumstances and make it last. After all, in mystical terms, this is my last life cycle – though of course these cycles can start again – but at the bottom (something I do not want).

Also, for NDE enthusiasts, this life cycle of mine is for the karma of others, not me. The drawback is that one can create ‘instant karma’ – which has happened to me often. The only good thing is it passes without attachment. (Okay that was probably more heavy-duty esoterica than I intended to include!!!)

So Why Learn Via Virgo?

My midheaven?

Minds on similar wavelengths? God, I hope not re the pervy S and T!

Perhaps if even one of them had been generous and kind (which I am) ….?

Generosity and kindness can overcome a lot but, even now, I feel irked at how greedy two of them were. No-one wants to be taken advantage of – least of all from someone you have chosen to spend time with.

Me, being the homeowner in three of those instances, brought out that greed. It was as if they were only interested in owning half of it. In fact, S said as much (long story – maybe another time).

Talking of home, I’d love mine to be less cluttered and tidier but working from here makes that nigh on impossible along with the thousands of books I own. Meaning it’s not spotlessly clean.

I, on the other hand, am. Baths every night. T had a bath once a week apparently ? So much for clean Virgos!

I do believe there is a special someone who may even be Virgo but that past including recent experiences have made me erect walls again. They have to be able to offer something so that it’s not just me doing all the giving. Sex is not an adequate quid pro quo, though for some women it might be. And I am categorically not there to ‘teach them’.

Teaching through my words and images may be part of my spiritual purpose but is an absolute no-no for any romantic relationship. (Yes, you guessed. T said I could teach him.)

Next Steps?

Haven’t a clue.

 

What Is Black? Or White?

This DoD post is just to get something quickly out there – and briefly – as I am still in major Wise El drawing mode and don’t want to lose the flow since it has been on hold for so very long. The images in this post were hurriedly done years (literally) ago and are being re-drawn today. The general theme of them is black and white (dark night of the soul, black thoughts, dark night).

NDE

It’s been a very long time since I truly thought about my NDE. Not just recalling what happened – which clearly, I have done.

It’s the reason for *not* dying that has been buried for a while. So that is the first of the ‘black’ thoughts this morning. (Not covering that here though.)

The second refers back to something I’ve written about in Wise El on God and Wise El’s Big Thoughts.

(Ebooks available via Amazon and print books taking forever to create!)

That second is that ‘black’ is not a negative association, metaphysically. It is potentiality. Raw, unfocused, half the time – but potential, powerful, energy.

It, in my version of spiritual metaphysics, is something hidden, something not yet fully formed, something needing light. (Yes, I aware that will be taken the wrong way by those so inclined.)

Black Potentiality

A lot of the current divisions are, from a dark-skinned observer, about inferiority.

Group think – through BLM – gives perceived strength in numbers. A mistake in my mystical opinion as individuals can be swept along by the loudest, not necessarily right, voices.

Clearly that is now changing as many excellent black men and women are speaking out and following through with decisive actions.

Grouping by skin colour is something I have always disliked since ‘black’ is not a race per se. Being dark-skinned, some semi-educateds have assumed – and even told me – I was African or West Indian (ie black).

I am NOT. My mother was Tamil and my father from Mangalore. Both South Indian. And yes, it does annoy – for mixed reasons.

Africans and Asians never get my race wrong. Or haven’t to date. I guess there is always a first time. Will keep you (the reader) posted.

Equally, some practically ‘white’ people have self-designated or been designated ‘black’ because of mixed parentage or ancestry. Not a term I like or enjoy using but I have done, because it is expected.

There is more – pro and con – but the words and ideas are jumbled in my head at the moment.

What Then Is White?

White in human terms is simply reduced need for melanin protection in less sunny countries. In mystical terms, let there be light. But there is also a cultural reference.

I read a post on Facebook where Jews were being referred to as ‘white’. I have been called ‘Karen’ a few times – an insult (doled out by some young black women) meaning middle-class white. Or something like that, but ‘white’ and ‘female’ being the key elements.

To be ‘white’ is a cultural mindset – which I can agree with. I prefer to call it English or British but it seems ‘white’ is now catching on as the go-to term.

Do I think whites are superior?

Categorically not.

Just different. Different spiritual purpose – and at heart that is all I ever base my posts and comments on.

 More too on this to come!

And Brown Is Earth

Figures really. For me, spiritually – not generally. On Earth as it is in Heaven. Or something. (Still pondering this.)

Trivial – Or Possibly Not – Aside

I’ve been on a lot of dates in my life, but I’ve never been asked on a date by a black man – or an Indian one, come to think of it. There was a date with Parvez, an exceptionally handsome Pakistani.

There have been some marriage proposals from a few via a dating site. (Not going to use any of those again!) They didn’t even bother to get to know me, just first contact was about marriage.

In the post which prompted this, the writer said (about Jews)  “you can be completely integrated and settled, but that the tide can turn in an instant. You are still a guest.”

I have never felt unwelcome or a guest in the UK – ever. However, I have, on a few occasions, felt different. But then I am and always have been – even with family and friends. 

Currently Re-Drawing All These

  

Christian Quandary

Christ Within

Christian quandary. Still troubling my mind.

Christians are being murdered regularly in Islamic countries. Nantes Cathedral is on fire – as was Notre Dame, as have been many French churches. The finger is pointing at migrant Muslims. No proof either way apart from some videos of mindless destruction – which since seem to have disappeared from the ‘net.

Uyghur Muslims are being forcibly incarcerated in internment camps. Forced abortions, possibly organ harvesting – as also happened or is happening with the Falun Gong.

Yet sympathy – unlike for the Bosnian Muslims – is at a horrible low. A terrible Christian quandary. To care for the humans suffering but to be torn by the relentless, unforgiving ideology of Islam.

The talk is of #culturalgenocide

But what about the cultural genocide of Christians? Actual murders of Christians, actual burning down of churches, actual toppling of statues & destruction of Judaeo-Christian history?

I do feel very deep sorrow for Uyghur Muslims as human beings. But they are mixed feelings as I do not care for the destructive nature of Islam. And ‘re-education’ is not remotely a ‘holocaust’ though I understand many have died. God rest their souls.

My intense dislike of the ideology of Islam categorically does not mean hurting or terrorising any humans who follow it ie any Muslims. The two must and should be kept separate. And yes, I am aware the same does not always apply the other way round. In fact, rarely does these days.

Barely a day goes without something about Christians being murdered – mostly in African countries. Hindus being killed in Pakistan with not a word of criticism. The western world barely covers these atrocities.

Islam should have stayed in Islamic countries. But then it is and has always been a religion of conquest, by whatever means.

While the western world should never have allowed Islamic immigration on the scale it has, the problem is what to do now, that does not hurt humans, but does not harm any of us either?

We clearly cannot live on the same terms in the same place because Islam (rather than Muslims) is – to repeat – an ideology of conquest.

From segregated communities to schools teaching hatred to small acts of terrorism to mosques on every corner to entitled behaviour, even from ‘asylum’ migrants, it is small wonder sympathy is very low for those poor Uyghur Muslims.

It’s wrong, of course, but tragically understandable.

Such is my Christian quandary.